Visiting Oblivion

I have a plane ticket for New York, a flight leaving tomorrow, and I am terrified. I am going back to my home, my apartment where I lived the day the planes crashed into the World Trade Center. The last time I was there was July, more than six months ago. My last day there, I had become mentally paralyzed, unable to complete the task of shredding old papers and throwing away unnecessary things. Many of of these items had been collected in a search for motivation. I had visited New York in October also, but did not go to my apartment. I went to my boyfriend’s father’s memorial service and stayed in a hotel far away from the apartment.

My roommate had a baby. The baby’s father has been staying in my apartment with my roommate. This was fine for me, but not for the co-op board which is now charging me a “surcharge” for “illegally subletting” my apartment even though I had already given my roommate a deadline to find their own home. Eamonn has offered to write a letter with the contention that ADA laws support me in my extended leave. But for now I am returning and will stay within roughly 460 square feet with my roommate, her baby, and the baby’s father. The board has a hard time believing that we can all live together.

Since giving my roommate notice, I started preparing to myself to go back to New York for longer periods. At first I thought I would stay two weeks, then one month, then a few months. But now, with this added pressure from the co-op board, I don’t want to return. I just want to hide. I think this feeling is called withdrawal.

I’ve come so far in healing, but I feel like my symptoms are coming back. The good thing about this is that it’s an opportunity to identify more triggers and then apply somatic regulation (SER or TIPI).

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