Impasse on a Mental Capacity Rollercoaster

Ten days prior to today felt glorious, like I was 30-something again, able to be productive, an over-achiever, work full-time plus, and enjoy it.  Today I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I’m not foggy, but my brain seems to have an impasse.  I left my phone at home without realizing until a half mile away.  I’m exhausted; not physically but mentally.  It feels like I had an all-nighter and took a three-hour snooze.  But I don’t feel able to go back to sleep.  I have energy and motivation.  But cognition says STOP.

I also feel like a sensitive conversation could put me in tears.  I looked at a crowded farmer’s market and didn’t want to go in.  Instead I waited on the sidewalk with my dog.  I don’t feel sad.  Actually, I feel content; happy even.  But my brain has shut off channels limiting programming to a few reruns.  I can’t even verbalize this text.  I tried.  Somehow my fingers are doing the talking.

While clearly I can’t say I’m completely healed, I can say with certainty that these periods of heightened mental capacity have been getting longer and longer.  In 2013 my head would be so foggy at the end of a work day that I could barely ride my motorcycle home.  Last month my head would be foggy at the end of a work day, but I could still function well enough to buy groceries.  In the last couple of weeks, I had no fogginess.  My mind was clear.  Even now, I seem to think clearly, but other functions like speaking are limited.  Remembering is also limited.

If I went to a psychiatrist today with no medical history, I would not meet the diagnostic criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  But because of my history, one may say that I’m still affected by the injury.  Just a few weeks from now marks 17 years since 9/11.  I’m happy to no longer be depressed at this time of the year.

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