Life after PTSD diagnosis
In 2008, I was unable to keep a job longer than a week. My anxiety from PTSD was so high, I could barely complete a PowerPoint document for the advertising and media companies I had worked for for years. I took out a loan against my home equity and wrote a book. In one year, … Continue readingFree books in NYC
I still have trouble sleeping. And I still cry easily. It seems that any stressor is enough to send me into a lost state. I feel tense but not anxious. I’m in New York City. My art studio building in Dumbo, Brooklyn, is going condo and my studio mates and I are packing up. Here … Continue readingStress Manifested
Six weeks have passed since having any hypervigilance. Over five have passed since having anxiety. During these last several weeks, I’ve taken no gabapentin nor other anti-anxiety. The doctor warned that while on gabapentin, if I had any depression, to stop taking the medication. I had come to rely on the drug to help me … Continue readingEnd of the Tunnel?
Before 9-11, I thought therapy was for people with no friends. Even started writing a song about it: “You can buy a friend for $12 an hour…” (That line was not actually about a therapist but a home health aide. Point is made.) To me having no friends was an indication that a person was seriously … Continue readingThe importance of therapy
August 8, 2014 A week ago, I started taking gabapentin as an anti-anxiety. The first time taking this medication, it started working within 24 hours. The first few nights, I slept well and through the night. I had no grogginess after waking up and was more alert during the day. Is this my wonder drug? … Continue readingGabapentin
One morning, passing a pair of men on the street I said, “G’morning!” “What?!” one of them caustically replied with a wrinkled forehead. They were both of African descent. Having Black friends for most of my life, I’ve heard about their struggle to be accepted regardless of their skin color. And having had my own … Continue readingWe Are All Colored
One important lesson I’ve been learning in the healing process is how to say “No.” This was not easy for me having been sexually molested as a child. Instead of saying No, my shame and depravity had silenced me in numbness leading to date rape situations in adulthood. Had I learned to say No, I … Continue readingHealthy Boundaries
A thoughtful co-worker pinged me on Jabber today with a condolent note. “Hang in there,” she added. I hadn’t given much thought to my feelings. But at this conjecture, I realized I was mostly numb to the day. It is as if the darts of reminders over the years have stabbed me enough to grow a scab that was … Continue reading13th Anniversary
Gabapentin has been a game-changing treatment. I had been so dull to what was happening around me that I didn’t realize I felt irritable until there was a conflict with another person. The irritablity became hypervigilance and out of nowhere I went to war. Now I can feel irritability as the medication wears off. The … Continue readingSigns of Diminishing Hypervigilance
There is much sadness along with the news of Robin Williams’ passing. He was one of my favorite comedians, one who seemed down-to-earth and well-liked in his neighborhood of Sea Cliff and around town in San Francisco. My co-worker, Chris, shares this: I don’t know how old I was, but I do remember filming this … Continue readingFarewell, Robin Williams