Down on the PTSD Rollercoaster

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May 24, 2015
It’s a little more than 3 weeks since the WTC Victim’s Compensation Fund called. Sadly, my symptoms are clearly present, though not nearly as bad as they have been, meaning I can manage. But it still sucks. I have mild depression. Unless I’m meeting my best friend for breakfast, I don’t want to get up in the morning.

June 3, 2015
Another week passed and I’m avoiding and withdrawing from the streets from where I used to draw inspiration. I’m foggy-minded and more depressed. My working memory is better, but I’ve forgotten other things that seem to be buried, some long-term memories. I’ve been enjoying going to gatherings, though. I got to attend two baseball games in private suites in the last week. I find myself wanting to talk about my forthcoming book and become known among new acquaintances.

A teacher who I spoke for at a high school leadership conference asked me to speak again to her class over Skype. I’m not well enough for it, but managed to find someone else to help out. I can barely wrap my head around my job. I’ve paused writing my book even though writing seems to help. I’m worried about my mental state and wish disability was more attuned to PTSD problems. I applied for it a little over two years ago. I finally got an appointment to see a psychologist months after applying but my symptoms had improved, so Social Security denied me assistance.

I’m on a little island of PTSD living, surrounded by a mental fog, on the verge of tears except when a lot of familiar people are around and I can distract myself, and having a hard time concentrating on my work. I’m hyper-reactive and sense a vigilance building up that can explode on a stranger. I’ll try to redirect this anxiety toward something purposeful, like writing notes about the danger of plastics or maybe write to Congressmen about the USA’s need for understanding trauma better and supporting those with PTSD, such as veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan. IAVA has done tremendous work to gain aide to injured military. But more work is needed for other people struggling.

At least I’m sleeping better. Thanks to my dog for getting me up in the morning.

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