Dr. Zng taught me that PTSD patients may regress to behaviors that reflect childhood experiences. My grocery shopping hardships reflect how during my childhood my mother made most of the decisions. I was not allowed to make decisions on my own. For example, I wanted to play cello, but my mother wouldn’t allow it, because she did not want to drive me to school with it since it wasn’t allowed on the school bus. She wanted me to play violin, which I disliked. I ended up playing violin for 9 years. I blame that experience for my rebelliousness.

In my healing, I’ve also regressed in my mental health. Since my nightmare last week, which seems to have retraumatized my brain, I’ve been unable to accomplish the tasks I had planned to do. I am depressed. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to talk to anyone, except my boyfriend Mike and my therapist. Even talking to Mike is difficult, but he is a comfort so I make efforts. I was happy when I was dead.

At the end of my dream, I had asked for God. I wanted to meet God at last. But I’m still on Earth and I have dread in my heart. The floor disappeared from under people’s feet. I saw it in my dream. Since it’s not my time yet, I will try praying and meditating on the words of David, Jesus’ apostles, and biblical prophets. Maybe I will try reading words from Mohammed.

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