I had trouble falling asleep last night. Aside from the excitement of possibly getting a new-old motorcycle, the lights outside in the courtyard of the building where I live were on until after 3am. Even though I have blinds and curtains to block the light, the courtyard lamps pointed up, seeping through the blinds and curtain fibers, and illuminating my ceiling. The brightness kept me awake. I went down to the courtyard shortly after 3 to see if I could turn them off. Strangely, after walking through finding no switches, the lights turned off on their own. Though I fell asleep afterward, the worry of not getting enough sleep had me waking up frequently until the sun came up.
As a result of my lack of needed rest, my brain malfunctions. My executive function is terribly compromised. Instead of calling in for a sick day, I decided to work from home. The problem is that I’m having trouble working. Should have made it a sick day. But I dislike calling in sick. Must be my pride.
This inability to effectively utilize the executive function of the brain makes even basic decision-making difficult. A leader of a company should be an efficient and sound decision maker. For some people with PTSD, like me, one night of poor sleep can result in a day of poor decisions. I could not get myself to get dressed for work, make coffee and toast before the train left, or even email my managers before 9am to let them know of my struggle.
I wonder what my brain looks like right now. Studies indicate that brains with PTSD are structurally different from healthy brains. My head does feel a little strange: like a slow, subtle throbbing at the top of my forehead. I think I will donate my brain to science.