Lately, I’ve been having problems with my memory. There are two unfinished drafts in my WordPress dashboard. Both were started with great ideas, and both lost their way. Whatever the ideas were when the posts were started were quickly forgotten within a couple hundred words.
I don’t write as eloquently as when AlphaDog, Get The Bitch You Want was written. My theory is that in the process of rewiring my brain, after understanding what PTSD has caused in my behavior, parts of my brain have shut off. I don’t seem to be able to access the thousands of words once readily available in my vocabulary. I must be back in fifth grade.
Thank goodness I’ve written the title of this post to remind me what I wanted to write about.
A few days ago, I was driving a car near downtown San Francisco. At a red light, I saw a “No Turn on Red” sign. There were two right turn lanes and there was a car next to me also about to make a right. Within a couple seconds, maybe one second, I forgot the sign was there. I made a right turn. As I continued, wondering why the car next to me didn’t make the turn, it occurred to me that maybe that sign was there. There most likely was. I’m not sure.
I felt like an idiot.
Other things have happened lately that indicate problems with my working memory.
At work, I have a spreadsheet listing tasks to accomplish. I opened the spreadsheet to add a task, typed a few letters, and then forgot what I was typing. I must have dissociated at that moment. The task eventually was completed, minutes before a meeting that a colleague reminded me about.
Today, I went to a co-worker’s desk to talk about an email he sent. He was busy on the phone at that moment and signaled that he would come over when he was done, so I went back to my desk. Minutes later he came over. I didn’t know what he came over for and looked at him puzzled until he reminded me that I went to him first.
It has been several months since having poor memory like this. Maybe. I’m not sure. I don’t remember.